Ceremony #3: Love

I was feeling amazing and full of energy this morning. The staff was always there for us and today when they asked how I was doing my response was: “I could hike the entire Inca trail in an hour right now”. I felt that good. I felt new and some of the other guests said I even looked different. At breakfast we all commented on how the Ayahuasca last night tasted way worse than the first night. This morning Malcolm held another group discussion and then those who wanted went in search of the pink dolphins again. Having seen them yesterday I decided to just relax in my hammock until lunch.


We ate lunch and again the food was amazing, if only they had a cookbook in the gift shop, if only they had a gift shop. We were going to go check out the giant lily pads this afternoon but a storm came in and we were rained out, so I was glad to have seen them in Iquitos. Those who wanted sat around and talked, further sharing our lives and more importantly our Ayahuasca travels. While others kept to themselves. The choice was yours.

5pm arrived and I headed down to the ceremony room. Malcolm said that we would have one more night of healing before beginning our exploration in ceremony #4 and #5. I was pretty sure I purged all the negative energy that was affecting me last night which was good because I was not sure my body could withstand another night of violent convulsions trying to vomit.

Ceremony began and I went up for my Ayahuasca, it seemed the spirits wanted to take me further and they increased my dosage a little. Dose does not always matter, one night you might have two full cups and see a few pretty colors before falling asleep, another night you could have a teaspoon and not get out until the following morning. It is completely in the spirit of Ayahuasca’s hands, she is in complete control. I was vibrating in a way that only required a small dose, which is good because we were drinking the same batch as last night and I knew that foul taste was coming. As I waited with my Ayahuasca in hand for everyone else to be served I tried to project thoughts in to my cup. Please be gentle with me tonight, help me release any remaining negative energy, oh and can you show me how the universe works. Repeating that thought again and again. I knew there was no way to control Ayahuasca but I figure there was no harm in asking.

Once everyone was served we toasted and I threw back the Ayahuasca. My stomach tried to immediately reject it but I forced it down and held it there. I felt the Ayahuasca attach itself to every cell in my bloodstream working its way through my entire body. It then started to grow in to the vine it was, wrapping itself securely around every muscle, every tendon, and every vein in my body. It started to rip me open, disassembling me in order to look inside and release me from the physical existence. My lizard friend then arrived with his boat and we again traveled down the inside river with millions of eyes observing me. I had a little and very easy purge that produced nothing in my bucket. I laid back on my mat knowing in my heart that there would be no further purge tonight.

Tonight was going to be hard work and the medicine was going to show no mercy as my consciousness was forced beyond the depths of any definition of hell. I found myself in a dimension with the demon guards that I saw at the Grand Palace in Bangkok dancing around me, chanting in a language that I could not understand.




They did not touch me but were able to hold me in place with their thoughts. I was trapped and could not move. This went on for hours, then hours became days, and days became years. I did not understand what to do, my logical mind was at work desperately searching for a solution to this problem coming up time and time again empty. Hundreds of years passed as I sat alone unable to move, unable to stop this as they kept dancing in circles around me. It was now becoming thousands of years and I was pretty sure I had died, this was the end, I’ll never see the ceremony room again, I’ll never see my family again. It’s hard to explain but when I say thousands of years it’s because my conscious mind had so many thoughts they could only be accomplished if that amount of time passed. There is no way I could experience everything I did if it was only a few years of time, it’s just not possible and the dance continued.




I then realized that not just this but everything is an illusion, even what you are experiencing now. The illusion can only control you if you believe it. The instant that thought went through my mind I was released from this hellish dimension and thrust in to another one. I would travel through a total of 14 dimensions on this journey. While I’m unable to recall the details of each one I know in my heart that there were 14 that I had to work through. These dimensions were in no way personal and I did not really feel any kind of connection to them.

A few dimensions later I found myself in a dimension of nothing, and I mean nothing. I could not even have a conscious thought because that would have been something. This dimension was better than the first because I did not suffer. However when it was over I felt that I had lost 4000 years trapped doing nothing, thinking about nothing. I felt at this point I had let everyone down. I came to Peru to experience this thing called Ayahuasca and I had died in the process, now nothing more than a lost consciousness floating around these various dimensions. I felt extreme guilt and overwhelmed with sadness, I would never again feel flesh and blood. Once I accepted that I was thrown in to another dimension, another jail cell, another hell.

A few dimensions later and I was now alone in a room with my thoughts and arguing with them. I was existing only to contradict the very thoughts I was having. This was the purest form of hell. Whatever drifted in to my mind was both wonderful and foul, it was the beginning of madness. I loved the color blue but it also invoked great rage, I’m challenging myself, blue is good, no blue is bad. I was losing my mind, becoming the very definition madness. I would spend the next thousands of years debating myself over everything I had ever known. Biking is fun, biking is hell, ants make good pets, you can’t have ants for a pet. I wanted so much to die just to make it stop, but I’m already dead. If this is hell, what did I do to end up here, it’s so much worse than anyone could have imagined and I’m stuck here for eternity. The years continued to pass, I was not allowed to rest and my mind was never quiet. A triangle makes a great wheel, no it does not. I like the taste of tomatoes, I hate the taste of tomatoes. I was far beyond crazy and no longer even knew it, the madness set in and I didn’t know enough to care anymore. Nothing is left for me to hold on to, there were no more dreams to chase, I was over, helplessly trapped inside my own mind. Now with nothing left I dissolved from this dimension in to the next one.

I was in a room forced to watch the entire evolution of all mankind on this planet. Viewing ancient religious and dynasties battle it out to watching the wars of the future. There was no context, no time to think about and process what I saw. I was forced to sit there and watch it. Not just minute by minute, but minute by minute through the eyes of one entity, and then the same minute by minute through the eyes on another entity, and so on, again and again. This took thousands and thousands of years, but I knew I was dead and everyone else I had hoped to physically see again were also long gone so it was pointless to care or think about it. Then I realized this was all happening because I drank Ayahuasca. Please, if you just let me go now I’ll never drink this stuff again. I remembered the shaman told us that if we needed help during our journey we should call out “help” and someone would come. But at this point I no longer had the energy and was unable to call out for help. I was far too deep to reach out to anyone in the ceremony room, and I doubt that the ceremony room even existed anymore. The history of mankind finally ended as humans became extinct. I found myself in the 14th dimension and had no idea how many more of these there would be, but it didn’t matter anyway.

The 14th dimension was very different from the first 13. It was a small grey room and in the corner was a small stagnant fragment of energy. It was motionless and not vibrating in any way. I was free in this dimension, able to control my own thoughts and able to move around. I went over and picked up the energy in my hand. It started to vibrate right before my eyes and I could feel its energy. It was so simple, so beautiful, and I could feel its immense and infinite power. I started to integrate myself with it. I was no longer an entity holding this energy fragment but we were now one, it was me and I was it. I then not only understood every conscious thought, but I was every conscious thought. The walls of the room dissolved and the universe opened. In the middle was this round pool of black liquid and in the center of that was this little spout of black water that was spawning tiny white balls or droplets of white light. It was the very point of creation for what we call our universe. I then realized what the fragment of energy was that I picked up and integrated with. It was love. Not the word love, not even what we would call the concept of love, but rather the energy of love, the creator, beautiful and simple.

The entity known as Chris was no longer and I shouted out “Its love....” and watched this wonderful reverberation radiate from me. It was so powerful and so amazing that I had to shout it out again “Its love....” and then again and again. I understand now, it all makes sense. It was so much work, by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but oh was it worth it. This was the single greatest and most beautiful experience of my life. I had to shout it out again as tears of pure light, pure energy rolled down my cheeks, “Its looovvveee.. love, love, love....”, the energy signature was pure beauty and the very definition of simple. Thanks for this amazing gift, I finally get it, thanks, thank you.

I was love, I was the only true energy of the universe. As I shouted all this out it turns out I was actually shouting this out back in the ceremony room for everyone to hear. A person in front of me (that I'll refer to as "T") turned around in the dark and asked “Who is that?”. Apparently I responded with “Its love” because that’s truly what I was, I was the universe, I was everything. And from that point going forward I earned the nickname of “Love” among everyone who was at this particular Blue Morpho Tour.

At that point one of the shaman, Matt, jumped in to my space and I looked around and saw his face. For the most part I saw and experienced energy patterns, but this was one of the few times I saw an actual visual image. I only saw his face as he had no body. I felt his energy on my right shoulder as if he placed his hand there, and heard him say “Yes, love is the only energy for now and forever”. Ayahuasca is very real, this was no longer something I believed but something I knew. I knew it to be as true as I knew that the sun would rise tomorrow.

I was still deep within the Ayahuasca space and started to hear others in need of help. I found that I too could jump in to their space and spread love. I started sending energy to them to let go of the garbage that no longer served them, and here, replace it with love, let me give you some love. Here is some love, let me show you love, embrace it. Sending out vibrations of love in all directions for anyone who needed it. It felt amazing.

From nowhere the archangel Michael appeared with the brightest light I have ever seen and the most clear and loudest trumpets announcing his arrival. I’m not talking about the Christianity version of him but rather his true spirit. No one ever told me of him or his history, this was my first introduction to his energy. He showed me that I could now become the creator, I could now create my own universe with the simple tool that is love.

I created a beautiful safari landscape that was black with neon highlights in pink, green, and yellow. The sounds of the environment were wonderful and I was coming back to my home. I created a large lion to protect me and I snuggled with him as I drifted off to sleep. I was lost in my own creation. I thought I died a long time ago and there was nothing left for me to return to, so I was quite happy to spend eternity here. I was safe, I was home.

Then all of a sudden the lights in the ceremony room came on and heard Malcolm saying that he was getting ready to land this thing. I sat up and for a second I saw the ceremony room, then quickly fell back down and was in the comfort of my protective lion in the universe that I created. Next thing I knew I was sitting up again with Matt in front of me shaking my hand with both of his hands, saying that I did something amazing tonight and he was thanking me. I was foggy and asked “That was you in there right?” Before falling back on my mat and back in to my safari universe. I could get back and remain in the ceremony room. I would look up and look around seeing the ceremony room then fall back on to my mat and back in to my universe. At one point I thought I was back and got up giving Matt a huge hug, but I was not allowed to stay and the ceremony room was quickly gone again. Matt helped me to the showers and I took off my shirt letting the water spirits run over my head, calming mother Ayahuasca. The Blue Morpho staff all have red lights for use during ceremony to help people without illuminating the entire room. Matt shined his red light on the floor of the padded shower as the water spirits continued to encompasses me. It was the only symbol I had to hold on to that reminded me of my current illusion, the illusion where all my friends and family existed. After roughly 10 minutes the water spirits started to bring me back down and I started feeling grounded again. Matt helped me walk around the room once and then I was able to complete laps two and three on my own as others tracked my progress.

I was fully back and now starting to process the events of tonight. I sat on my mat knowing that tonight’s incredibly intense journey was life changing and I’ll never be the same person again, things would never be the same again. While others slept in the ceremony room with a shaman watching over them throughout the night I headed outside to sip some tea under the stars. But I was so full of energy I could not sit still, I had to walk around. I walked around the lodge for hours, until 2am, reviewing the events of tonight, reviewing who I had now become, and wondering how to proceed. The world needs Ayahuasca....